This Is Me. I am Kitten.

http://title2come.tumblr.com/post/47105756788/whenever-i-make-writing-goals

 

 

 

I found this new tumblr today that I like. And this post is me exactly. That actually goes for reading goals too. I wanted to read 20 books this year. I even told goodreads I would. I think I’ve read 5 so far. No. Four. Probably including the one I haven’t finished that I started reading in March. *UPDATE: I finally went and checked on goodreads, and actually I’ve only completed two books. I have two in progress right now. Technically I’ve read way more books than that, but the books I read at work don’t count.

…see falling kitten.

If Only I Could

Well, first, I would stick an extra Saturday into this weekend, hoping it would give me time to really get things done. But I never use my time well, so it probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

I wish I could blast off into the sort of life I really want. Everyone tells you how hard life will be, but no one can ever seem to say it in a way that prepares you. No matter how well you think you know how it will go, you’re always underprepared.

I have dreams, man. So many dreams. The larger dreams of course have always been there, they don’t change. But sometimes other dreams pop up and they’re sticking. Some of them might not be possible, but others would be…

• I want to have clear, perfect skin. I already drink plenty of water, but I suppose I could eat even more fresh fruits and vegetables… but yeah. I want to look in the mirror and see my face without constant, strategically placed blemishes.
• I want to get a nice digital camera to take artsy pictures with. Not for doing real photography. That would require special lenses, and developing equipment, and all sorts of stuff that I don’t think I would be willing to invest in (at least, not any time soon). But if I could just take some good pictures, with a camera that works better than the crappy one in my phone, maybe I could show you what I see.
• I want to actually sit down and read the Poets and Writers magazines that have stacked up since I started my subscription. I’ve rarely been really into reading magazines, so even though I’m really excited when they arrive, I tend to put them off to the side and then they don’t get read.

I would let it all go, and maybe I could walk into the sunset at the end of the movie, the big confrontation behind me, the bad guy defeated. Ever wonder, at the end of those movies, whether it really ends there and the cowboy can just go about his business in peace, or do you think another old western outlaw will show up before too long?

I would tell you. But I don’t like to think of what might happen…

 

If there was a crystal ball of some kind that could just give me some idea of where certain choices would lead, I would take a look. Sometimes not knowing has a paralyzing effect. I guess the devil you know… you know the rest. Or, rather, the adequacy you know, the good things about now, are not worth giving up for something that might leave you behind square one. Or something like that.

I feel as if I don’t know how to write anymore. I have too many thoughts, and none of them are properly distinguished from one another, so when I try to get them out, other ones come along with it, like trying to pull out a leaf and instead taking the whole vine. And asking for help? Please. Do you know me at all?

Believe Me: You Are Not Inadequate

Reblogged from Feminists-at-Large:

by Morgan McDaniel 

“I never feel good enough,” my classmate said. “I always feel like my friends are doing more impressive things than I am.  No matter what I do, I always feel inadequate.”

It was the last session of class for the semester, and the tone had become intimate and confessional. The professor nodded.  “Okay. Who else feels that way?”

Read more… 1,041 more words

I wonder, sometimes, how many times I will have to see, hear, tell myself this before it really sinks in... It's impossible to do EVERYTHING, but it always seems that there's someone who can manage to have every aspect of their life together so why can't you? What's wrong with you, that you can't do all those things? The real answer is nothing, and while that's simple to understand it's hard to really believe.

The Day I Wish I’d Had Today

I woke up around 8 o’clock, feeling pretty well-rested. I smiled as I slowly pushed my comforter over to one side, thinking of coffee.

I took my time to brew the coffee just right, put together an omelet with roasted red peppers, sliced up some mango, and took it all over to my computer. Breakfast is never complete without the internet.

An hour an a half later, I finally finished my coffee. It is the perfect amount of time two drink two mugs full. Coffee and leisure go so much better together than coffee and obligation: this makes everyday life somewhat unfortunate, as people grab a coffee to go sit down at a job that they find often boring at best, and rarely exciting or desirable.

A nice hot shower completes my long wake-up ritual. I know I’m taking a little too long to decide what to wear. By now it’s about 10:30, but that’s ok. There’s still plenty of time left in the day.

Unfortunately, I need groceries. Better to take care of that now, or I’ll end up putting it off even longer. But I only really need a few things, so it won’t take too long. I grab the essentials; stuff for breakfast, fresh fruit and vegetables, and some kind of dinner protein. I will admit that I really like returning from the grocery store, when at last I have lots of fresh food on hand.

If I leave quickly, I can make it to a mid-day yoga class. I grab the essentials and head out the door. It’s still kind of rainy, so I jump on the bus to get there, which means I’m earlier than I expected. I stretch for a bit and settle down on my mat to wait. Yoga is calming and allows my concerns about what happened yesterday or the day before to go to the corner and think about what they’ve done, until I have time to deal with them. I feel nice and centered at the end, hoping it would last at least a little while after I got home.

Lunch was the priority after I reached my kitchen, of course, so I made myself a salad with my fresh groceries, tossed with a bit of olive oil and lemon, and consumed it enthusiastically with a lot of water to drink.

When I was done I felt like lying down, but I wasn’t in the mood to nap. I worked a little on organizing the piles of stuff that I haven’t had a chance to address for too long.

Apparently I’m having a REALLY good day, because now all I can think about is writing. I decide to take my computer to the cafe down the street so that I won’t be tempted by the distraction of the internet. A cup of chai to keep me company, I start typing away. I don’t really know if any of it’s good. I’ll have to read it later and decide. But I’m writing, and that makes me happy. I make words. Being creative feeds me so much more than the things we always do to waste time, because our brains get so exhausted just trying to get through this world that we have no energy left to create anything. Letting myself be entertained is the easy way. It’s just lazy to do that instead of create. And to some extent I do need that break for my brain, but I think, like most people these days, I take it too far. How amazing it feels to be able to just sit and write.

Several hours have passed. Time for a late dinner, a short workout, and then maybe I’ll do some more organizing and read a bit.

*None of these things happened today. Today is not a good day. I have been so frustrated lately, and I feel like I don’t have the time to do the things I really want, and when I do, I don’t have the energy. I want to be able to stop time. I don’t care about the extra aging. People live too  long anyway. I’d rather have enough time in a day to feel like I can actually get things done.

All Potential, No Realization?

I wondered aloud the other day if I should try just starting on all the writing projects that have been bouncing around in my head for ages, and working on whichever one appealed to me at the time. I’ve been considering this approach for a while, never actually trying it because it seems like I’d never finish anything, and I’d just have hundreds of unfinished stories waiting for completion on my computer or in my papers. 

The thing is, I already don’t finish anything now, without having multiple projects currently in progress (in terms of me doing any regular work on them, that is). And I keep having new ideas. So many ideas. Maybe it really would make more sense to just start all of the projects, and see what happens. 

 

Any thoughts? Any hope?

Tulips in Bloom

These bright-colored beauties are blooming right now outside of the New England Institute of Art, right at the corner where buses 65 and 66 pick up. I passed by them this morning and they were so pretty I had to take a picture.

I’m a fan of minimalism in gardens. Some people like the wild look, flowers everywhere, every inch of dirt covered. In my opinion, if you’re going to the effort of actually gardening, make it look cleaner and and more intentional. I’m not into really cluttered flower arrangements either. Two or three colors are best (aside from the green of the stems and leaves), and I prefer a smaller bunch of notably pretty flowers, rather than a huge bunch of just ok ones. (I won’t say no to a bouquet of roses, though.) I like Ikebana for its minimalism as well.

Take these tulips as an example. If they were being crowded by thousands (more likely tens, but you get the picture) of other flowers, would they be as visible? Would they be as beautiful? Would they, in fact, even be the same color? They might be duller, and it would be fact, as perception is some high percentage of reality.

I saw some other, droopy tulips later on my commute, and they looked exactly like bell peppers. (Close enough, anyway.)

Unfinished thoughts

If only I

If only you

You won’t, I know

The sun is the wind is

Higher than I thought likely

In just a little while

You know

No, you don’t

It’s all

Just wait

too much

How do I

Would you…

I want–need and want

Is my hair too thin

Are my arms not long enough

Is my heart racing too fast

every time

What to say

Can’t say it.

I’m sorry.